Enlightenment

The last few days have been unusually calm both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I'm to afraid to enjoy these moments because they never last for long. My spirit feels so heavy as if it's being smothered I can't breathe my hearing is going my throat swelling!...3years now it slowly gets worse now I'm in full menapause and not dealing well! Enlightenment this is what I pray for. My whole life from childhood to now has been plagued with great suffering my spirit feels heavy cause it is tired of fighting for my right to life. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong here without my God I wouldn't be here for this reason he gave me a reason and inspired my fight. No matter what happens here on earth death isn't the curse it
the relief from the curse of a mans sackcloth his coat of life. Anyone who seeks enlightenment shall find it!
My life has a fucked up mess will I ever know any peace in this life? Why would God put all this good will in my heart to allow Satan to take everything? Why would he take me never using that good will for any purpose? My life only makes sense if it serves a greater cause of action. In this area I find the enlightenment that I seek as I will use my voice of example to inspire a selfless thought process. If every man was selfless there would be no reason to be selfish. My God dose not work for me he works with me to inspire the change.
To be selfless keeps the spirit light as a butterfly for this reason Satan will never win because my spirit belongs to God! Satan forgets that God created me in the dust so when he crumbles me to dust my God gives back what was worth having. I'm not afraid of the bottom as I know it well it's not that I'm not afraid it's that I'm not afraid of fear one has to own up to any fear he has in his heart or it will follow and haunt his path.
I've learned a lot here tonight as I blog my prayers for enlightenment to find its always been there the good will in my heart that's what's I'm question? I'm being tested in the extreme as the world around me has a moral melt down. I'm right in my heart at peace with myself this is it!

My spirit*67

My life has literally evolved into before and after october29 2004. In its conclusion I need two things he's taken that don't belong to him two things to restore my spirit to what it was before and feel safe again! First he took a few steps until I retrieve those steps he will stay one step ahead of every attempt to get help? Second my ability to always seek the positive or good in every dark moment to trust until given a reason not to...this is a huge part of my character it keeps my spirit clean in trying times. In the moment I trust no one not even my own children whom I feel I'm a burden. A childhood promise to God to never burden my family as my mother had done to me now I need help but I'm afraid to ask for this very reason. How this man stays ahead 14 years until I answer this question I'm a burden to anyone who loves me simply because they can't help outside moral support. I guess the next question is will I be forced to live this way forever because I'm poor and can't afford the resources I need? This brings us back to the beginning 10/29...he staged a repo of my whole life everything gone over night! I know it's not legal with enough circumstance to point at him but didn't catch him in the act so he gets away with it! He is up to something to do something so crazy if I want to catch him I have to let him follow through. If it is legal so be it! If it is not I know it will get worse and it did! 5/10/2012...I believe I have found what I am looking for only now it's not a simple truth I seek it's a hard one that's already gone to far...this is why I'm sensing danger . Health concerns?..empty nest?..menapause?..
If I'm gonna live I want my passion back as sometimes I feel dead inside. I don't expect it to ever be easy I want to be at ease with my spirit the current just conflicts have taken their toll.

Green butterfly

There is one person I trust to open up to completely but I'm terrified of being a burden. In the moment I fear my health will take me down before life itself has a chance! I can only pray that if a strange occurance cost my life someone will care enough to ask questions. I know this friend would probably be upset if she knew the truth in how far out of hand this crazy event has gotten! I suspect my health concerns are related to why it's gone so far? Vertigo? First symptoms 1999 dizzy spells strong enough to put me down for a minute? Only at his house eventually they get worse then breathing problems? Here I am 13 years later because I'm uninsured I can't get the help I need my ears are swollen and I can't hear my sinuses are swollen and I can't breath now my throat is swollen and I struggle for every breath on top of menapause I feel I'm loosing my mind! I need my ears checked I do suspect I will find something that's not suppose to be there? This concern must be confirmed or denied both of which I am ready for. I suspect a tracking device? Is it possible yes with the given events of the last13 years it is probable.
This is where I need a friend I know wears no price tag! When I finially get the courage to aggressively pursue this I need the moral support of someone I know won't turn on me! What it breaks down to is I'm looking for bugs in my ears it's taken 5+ years to even admit its possible what a sick disturbing thought! What's even more disturbing is to find nothing will lead to more questions of how? Either way someone is still in my shadow and they are still one step ahead? Is it still my ex or is there someone else who may want me to believe its him? What are the chances I would find two that hate me? I don't live that kind of life so the suspects are obvious which is a whole new story!
I am scared! There I said it! Now what do I do to combout the fear? If by chance I don't find the courage to seek help answering this question and I don't make it out of this great event alive my dearest friend please try to inspire my babies to stay together family is so important. You are the only person I know who will think twice about my family for this I am eternally grateful. In closing this is not a suicide letter for the first time in my 45 years I'd rather stay and fight back. If I make it out of this crazy shit alive I'm gonna save the world I'm gonna touch every path I'm gonna fight back.

Tari Abbott

You have no clue how important you are here in my nest? You are probably the only person who could help me but I'm afraid of being a burden just as I am to those close to me. No matter what happens you will always be the greatest Jesus lovin hippie chic this world has ever known and I pray there are millions just like you!

Jesus 78

If I had a material experience responsible for my faith in Jesus and how his followers should praise him this would be it! This experience continues to inspire my open mind to this very day. Jesus hippies! They are the greatest people on the planet! The world of religion and politics needs to get a grip because Jesus isn't happy with their works he will return as a Christ here to set things right. To my awesome hippie family you are here to keep love and compassion alive in a world of extreme conflict no worries as I am here to protect your voice with great vengeance you stay sweet I'll do the dirty work!
Inspired by the greatest hippie chic I know Tari Abbott combined with your love for Jesus you inspire me to keep the love alive in my heart even if it seems to be the source of my problem.