Enlightenment

The last few days have been unusually calm both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I'm to afraid to enjoy these moments because they never last for long. My spirit feels so heavy as if it's being smothered I can't breathe my hearing is going my throat swelling!...3years now it slowly gets worse now I'm in full menapause and not dealing well! Enlightenment this is what I pray for. My whole life from childhood to now has been plagued with great suffering my spirit feels heavy cause it is tired of fighting for my right to life. Sometimes I feel as if I don't belong here without my God I wouldn't be here for this reason he gave me a reason and inspired my fight. No matter what happens here on earth death isn't the curse it
the relief from the curse of a mans sackcloth his coat of life. Anyone who seeks enlightenment shall find it!
My life has a fucked up mess will I ever know any peace in this life? Why would God put all this good will in my heart to allow Satan to take everything? Why would he take me never using that good will for any purpose? My life only makes sense if it serves a greater cause of action. In this area I find the enlightenment that I seek as I will use my voice of example to inspire a selfless thought process. If every man was selfless there would be no reason to be selfish. My God dose not work for me he works with me to inspire the change.
To be selfless keeps the spirit light as a butterfly for this reason Satan will never win because my spirit belongs to God! Satan forgets that God created me in the dust so when he crumbles me to dust my God gives back what was worth having. I'm not afraid of the bottom as I know it well it's not that I'm not afraid it's that I'm not afraid of fear one has to own up to any fear he has in his heart or it will follow and haunt his path.
I've learned a lot here tonight as I blog my prayers for enlightenment to find its always been there the good will in my heart that's what's I'm question? I'm being tested in the extreme as the world around me has a moral melt down. I'm right in my heart at peace with myself this is it!